


Miscommunication

by HappyLeech



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Background Relationships, Carolina/Locus, Kimball/Kai, M/M, Secret Marriage, Tucker/Donut, keeping secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 14:34:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16788859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HappyLeech/pseuds/HappyLeech
Summary: In which a letter changes everything (for everyone else)





	Miscommunication

It was Thursday when the letter arrived.

Grif was gone with a team of thirty to investigate reports of Charon activity in the south, and to see if the city of Ostina had anything worth scavenging other than birth records and government papers.

Simmons, unfortunately, was sitting in the apartment building lobby with everyone else when it was delivered.

Bitters walked in and held up a thick envelope. Everyone stopped talking, looking to him, curious about the paper in his hand and the fact that it looked like he was willingly doing work.

“I’ve got mail for Captain Grif,” he said instead of hello, and Kai jumped up.

“Bros not here, I’ll take it.” She reached for it, but Bitters took a step back, holding the envelope out of her reach. “Hey!”

“Sorry, but this is for-" he cleared his throat and began to read. “Dexter Grif and Husband. Private Information Enclosed. Deliver to addressees only.”

There was a beat, then two, then three. Then the building exploded with noise.

As Kai shrieked with rage because “He got married? And didn’t tell me?” and Sarge made his patented ‘ _Grif did something I don’t like but can’t properly vocalize what he did and why it angers me_ ’ noise, Simmons sighed and put his head in his hands.

He knew something like this would happen someday. It had been a good run, an entire 8 years of managing to keep that tidbit of information to themselves. And now…

“Dude…are you okay?”

Looking up, Simmons froze. Both Tucker and Donut were crouched down next to him and Sarge had his _hand on his shoulder_?

“Uhm?” he said, eloquently. Behind him, Caboose burst into tears. “ _Uhm_?”

“I can’t believe Grif got married, and not to _Simmons_ ,” Carolina stage whispered to Wash and, yep, no, he was done with this line of questioning before it even started.

“I’m going to, just, go okay?” he said, standing up to escape before Caboose could grab him into a soggy, bone crushing hug. “But that’s, uh, great. Good for Grif.”

As Simmons dashed up the stairs to the elevator, he could hear Sarge yelling about Grif “ruining Simmons life.”

_Fuck._

* * *

“Okay everyone, now that we’ve gone over the syllabus, lets do some ice breakers!”

Richard looked at the teacher in disbelief. This was a college course! Statistics, a prerequisite in just about every math and science based major and then some! And they were going to play—

“So, two lies and a truth,” the guy sitting beside him said, tapping his pencil on his notepad. “You wanna go first?”

Richard sighed. “I’m going to pass this class, I want to take over the family business, and I am allergic to latex.” He paused. “Richard Simmons. The second, for all that’s worth.”

His classmate snorted. “Wow. Dexter Grif. The first, I guess. And I’m thinking…Allergies. My turn?”

“Allergies,” Richard said in agreement.

“Cool. I’m also going to pass this class, I haven’t finished a single Lord of the Rings movie, and, uh, I’m holding a pencil.”

Richard looked over, as if to be sure that the pencil hadn’t magically turned into a pen. “If the Lord of the Rings had been the truth, I think I’d need to drop this class just to get away from you.”

Dexter laughed. “Damn, that’s a little extreme, but I’d be pretty disappointed in myself if I hadn’t watched them either. Which do you prefer?”

“Peter Jackson’s. The remakes just don’t have the same…flair. And no one’s been able to make a good ten-hour loop of ‘taking the hobbits to Isengard’ with them either.” Richard grinned. Maybe, with a friend, stats wouldn’t be so bad after all.

-

Two weeks later and he was already regretting that thought. Why, oh why, had he gone into business? Why hadn’t he told his Father that he was taking business, but switched to something else once he’d gotten to Earth? Something easy, like computer programing or brain surgery.

“Kill me,” he said to Dex as he sat down with his notebook, work book, and thermos of coffee. Dex turned his head from where he was sitting with his head on the table and reached out to steal the thermos.

“Only if it’s a mutual murder. Who the fuck decided that doing math at 8 AM was a good idea?”

“Us, apparently.”

* * *

Sitting in his bedroom, Simmons was trying not to laugh, panic, or panic-laugh.

The entire time he and Grif had been in the military, he’d worried that everyone would find out that they were married. Instead, once they learned Grif was married, they all assumed the opposite.

“…I have to let Grif know,” he said to himself, before sighing. Even with the signal scramblers destroyed, unless Grif had a high-powered radio and he could ask Kimball for the use of the one in her office, there was no way for him to get in contact with his husband.

When every person on the planet lived in one city, planet-wide communications weren’t exactly on Kimball’s to-do list. A makeshift nightclub was, apparently, though that could be blamed on Kai instead of Kimball.

Well, there was only one option then. He didn’t want to tell everyone, not without Grif around for backup and support, but—

“Simmons!”

With a startled curse, Simmons stumbled to his feet and opened the door. Sarge was outside, the rest of red team and Carolina standing behind him. “Uh…”

“Red team has custody of me this week,” Carolina said, like that explained anything at all. “Also, Sarge was worried about you.”

“Absolutely not!” Sarge paused. “Donut wanted to check on you, so I just tagged along.”

“Are you going to be okay?” Donut asked. “It’s got to be a shock…I mean, you and Grif always said you weren’t dating, but it was obvious that you liked him.”

“It’s a betrayal, that’s what it is,” Sarge said, shouldering past Simmons and into his apartment. “To take advantage of your feelings and not even tell us about his husband? Do they even know the kind of monster they married?”

Simmons thought back to when Grif shoved nearly an entire packet of Oreos in his mouth. Yeah, he had an idea.

“Well, I’m fine. I’m actually just—” Donut made a tisking noise.

“You don’t have to lie to us, Simmons. It’s okay to not be fine. Which is why me, Lopez, and Tucker are going to take you out to Kai’s club!”

“Gonna get you laaaaaaid,” Tucker sing-songed from the hallway.

“We’re going to make Dex regret getting married before he met you!” Kai added, also from the hall.

Simmons poked his head out and looked at the blues. “Do you…want to come inside?”

“Nah,” Kai said. “I have to go drag my lady out of the office, then get to work.”

“Let me in- between me and Donut we should be able to find you something you can go out in.” Tucker pushed his way inside, and not for the first time Simmons was glad that Grif’s things were, for the time being, actually in his apartment.

He’d tell them once he was able to get a word in edgewise.

* * *

It didn’t take long for Dex-from-Stats-and-Accounting to become My Roommate Dex, then Just Dex to Richard. And it didn’t take long before their classmates began to refer to them as Dex-and-Rich, like a matched set of furniture, or salt and pepper shakers.

So when Richard was standing at one of the many parties being hosted on campus, holding a luke-warm beer and staring off into space as Karen from Management tried to get him to go dance with her friend Claire, and Dex sidled up next to him and elbowed him in the side before leaving together, no one in class was really surprised.

Other than Richard and Dex, of course.

“So, how as your night last night, Rich?” Johnathan asked, turning in his seat and grinning.

Richard grinned back. “Pretty good. I think me and Dex are just about finished with all the entries in the MCU, then we’re moving over to the DCCU. How was your night?”

“Wait, wait wait wait,” Steph interrupted. “Karen said that you two left together. Aren’t you two…you know?”

“Know what?” Dex said, dropping into his seat.

“Uh, dating? Didn’t you move into Rich’s apartment last month?” Johnathan replied.

“His parents are paying for a place, and the more money I save by not paying for rent in the dorms is more money I have on hand for emergencies. Like when we ran out of bagel-bites last night in the middle of Detective PikaPool.” Dex said instinctively. “Wait. Are we dating?”

Steph groaned. “Oh my god, you two are the worst.”

Richard stared at Dex. Dex stared at Richard. Kevin, their teacher, stared at everyone in the auditorium and cleared his throat.

“Who’s ready to do some matrices?”

-

Four and a half hours later, Richard walked into his apartment and collapsed face first onto the couch.

“Enjoying your history class?” Dex asked from the kitchen, the smell of burning toast wafting through the air.

“Either it’s giving me a stroke, or you’ve set the toaster oven on fire. Again.” Richard replied, bringing up his hands to bite his nails. “So.”

“So.” Dex dropped a plate on the coffee table, and Richard rolled over to see burnt cheese toast within his reach. “Are you gay?”

Richard was glad he hadn’t taken the food, because he was sure he’d be choking. “I…don’t know? I’ve never thought about…that stuff before.” He rolled over and sat up, waving his hands as he talked. “I do know that you’re my best friend and I care about you a lot. You, and your sister…how is she, by the way?”

“Hey, no bringing up Kai when we’re doing heart to heart shit, Rich. And, uh, bi.”

“Bye? You don’t have to leave, Dex. I’m sorry if all this is making you uncomfortable, but you can stay—“ Dex snorted, and Richard snapped his mouth shut.

“No, I’m bi, like bisexual. You’ll have to get me out of this apartment with a paint scraper if you want me to leave.”

“Well…it’s a good thing I don’t want you to leave, then.”

* * *

Despite the fact that Kai’s club and place of work was still being renovated, and the fact that there weren’t really very many people above the age of majority on Chorus, the building was full when Tucker and Donut dragged Simmons inside. Lopez had somehow managed to disappear before Donut could grab him, so it was just the three of them at the moment.

“Whoa, hey, isn’t that Andersmith?” Simmons asked as he was pulled towards the ‘ _bar_ ’. “Is he even allowed to be in here?”

“He’s like, 22, 23? I dunno, it’s cool,” Tucker said, shoving his way past a couple of field medics. “Hey! Where the hell is Kai, Kenwick?”

The bartender nodded to the side before their attention was claimed by someone else. Simmons turned to look, before spinning back, his face red. He did _not_ need to see Grif’s sister and the President pressed up against each other, making out like they weren’t in a public space.

“Haha, nice!” Tucker shouted and Donut wolf-whistled as Kai flipped them off and pulled Kimball into the backroom. “You guys grab a table if you can—I’ll be there in a jiffy.”

Seated in a back corner, luckily not the one that Kai and Kimball had been going at it, Simmons took a deep breath and looked at Donut.

“Donut, look, you guys don’t need to do this. Me and Grif—” he jumped as Donut slammed his hands on the table.

“No! This is a Grif-Free night, buster! We’re going to get you a one-night stand, and once you wake up next to which ever guy or gal or whoever, he’s going to be the last thing on your mind.”

Simmons doubted that. If he woke up next to _anyone_ , the only thing on his mind was going to be how to talk to Grif about what happened without panicking.

-

Two hours later, Simmons watched bemused as Tucker and Donut disappeared together, leaving him alone with his half-empty glass of…something. Tucker didn’t exactly say what it was when he dropped it in front of him, but it was alcoholic and didn’t taste like it was brewed in a car engine.

“Captain Simmons!” Andersmith slid into Tucker’s abandoned seat and grinned at him. “How are you? Bitters told me about what happened, are you okay?”

Simmons gave him an incredulous look. “How- Did- Does everyone know about that letter?”

Andersmith nodded. “I heard from Bitters, and then Captains Tucker and Donut were talking about it as well.”

“So…basically the only people who don’t know about it are the ones with Grif down in Ostina.” Simmons sighed. “Great.”

“So,” Andersmith shifted in his seat. “Speaking of—”

“I have to go,” Simmons interrupted, standing. This was exactly what he _didn’t_ want happening.

* * *

School continued as always.

Richard suffered through his 8 am stats class with Dex, ate lunch with Dex, played DnD with Dex, watched movies with Dex—

Once Johnathan and Steph pointed it out, he realized that he did spend a lot of time with Dexter. Sure, he spent time with other people, but nine times out of ten he was with Dex.

But really, Richard didn’t mind.

They both liked similar things, so talking was easy. Dex got him into a few shows while he got Dex into a couple of games. Times when interacting with the rest of his classmates felt like torture didn’t seem as bad with Dex around.

Then he had the dream.

It wasn’t anything risqué, just a dream about the two of hanging out…except—

Except they were cuddled up on the tacky couch that was in the living room. Except neither of them in the dream seemed uncomfortable.

Except Richard woke up with a strange feeling in his stomach, wanting to recreate the scene.

-

“Can I ask you something?” Richard glowered at the computer screen. He was technically finished his computer class, finished all the modules three weeks into starting school, but he showed up for the extra study time and to help Steph. Today, however, he was mulling over his Dex Issue and Steph’s work was suffering because of it.

“Okay, what’s wrong, Rich? It’s not just the Excel, is it.” Steph said, and Richard groaned.

“It’s dumb and stupid so just…it’s nothing.”

“Yeah, that’s bullshit. What’s wrong?” she leaned over and prodded him in the arm. “Come on, tell me.”

He groaned again. “Okay, okay. It’s kind of embarrassing so can you keep it to yourself?” She nodded, tracing an X over her chest. “How do you know if you have a crush on someone?”

She stared at him.

“I mean, what does it feel like when you think you like someone? Like, you like-like someone.”

The staring continued.

“Okay…are you going to say anything or are you going to keep staring at me because now I feel really stupid and look at that the problem was that we had the equation in the wrong column—”

“Have you never had a crush before?” Steph interrupted. Richard shook his head. “Okay…do you like Dex?”

He nodded.

“Then you should tell him!”

Richard gave her a horrified look. “No! I mean, I can’t do that- what if it doesn’t go well? He’s my best friend, Steph, I don’t want to fuck that up.”

“Richard, in the last week Dex has said, to you, in front of all of us, that he could kiss you and marry you on three sperate occasions. I think if you told him you liked him…” she trailed off. “But its up to you. Now, what were you saying about the equation?”

* * *

“So? How’d your night go?”

Simmons looked up at Donut, then at Tucker’s shirt on Donut, then at Tucker. “Not as exciting as yours, I’d gather.”

“Tucker fell asleep on the couch when we got back,” Donut said, and Tucker snorted.

“Yeah, and you stayed awake and binge-watched cooking shows instead of climbing on the couch with me. But Simmons, dude, did you come home with anyone?”

Simmons looked around the lobby, empty but for the three of them. “Does it look like I did?”

Tucker and Donut both groaned.

“Come on! Everyone knows that the best way to deal with an unrequited crush is unrepentant sexual deviancy. Hire a prostitute, take someone home from the bar, make out with your landlord in the back alley,” Tucker said, before pausing. “Okay maybe only the second one. Seriously though, look at you. You look terrible.”

Simmons looked down at himself. He had showered and changed into his ‘stay-at-home’ clothing, a far cry from terrible in his opinion. “Look. You guys are making a big deal out of nothing. I’ve been trying—”

Before he could finish finally telling Tucker and Donut the truth, Caboose appeared out of almost nowhere and picked him up in a big hug.

“I’m sorry, Simmons,” he said seriously. “Grif was your best friend and now he’s best friends with someone else.”

Simmons leaned back into the hug, glad that at least that Caboose wasn’t crying anymore. A casual observer would have been forgiven for thinking that he was the one who’s heart Grif broke, but that wasn’t the case. Caboose was, to describe it plainly, simply too empathetic.

“Thanks, Caboose. I don’t think the fact that Grif is married is going to change our friendship any, but thank you.”

“Simmons, you have been pining for Grif for years,” Donut said, waving his arms in the air. “It’s going to change _everything_ about your friendship!”

Caboose started to sniffle and Simmons sighed.

So much for it being a no tears kind of day.

-

It took forty-five minutes and the intervention of Wash and Carolina before Caboose calmed down enough for Simmons to give him an awkward hug before escaping out onto the street.

He didn’t know where he was going, but it was going to be better than listening to the Freelancers alternate between planning for Carolina’s date with Locus/Sam and planning for the fallout when Grif got back.

Simmons could go the rest of his life without hearing Carolina talk about getting him laid.

“Captain! Captain Simmons!” Palomo and Jensen jogged towards him, and, despite his better judgment, Simmons waited for them. “Are you doing okay?”

“President Kimball wanted us to make sure you were good,” Jensen added, and Simmons sighed.

“I’m fine.”

* * *

The rest of the year went fast, even with Richard’s awkward crush on Dex rearing it’s head every couple of minutes.

They both failed Stats and bid a solemn farewell to Steph and Johnathan, even though the four of them were going to be in classes together the next year. Kevin shook both of their hands and made a comment about how maybe stats wasn’t their calling. Richard made an excuse to justify staying on Earth as opposed to returning home, and Dex stayed as well.

“Wouldn’t you rather head home for the summer?” Richard asked.

Dex shrugged. “Kai’s rent is paid, plus some, she told me she’d call if she needed any help, and you actually have a Netflix account that isn’t stolen from the neighbours. Besides, I did tell you that if you wanted me gone, you’d have to use a paint scraper, remember?”

“Where’s the nearest home improvement store? I should probably have one of those on hand just in case,” he said, laughing. “But I am glad you’re staying. I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t.”

Dex grinned, and, oh, _oh_. Richard had to look away before Dex could see how red he was.

Maybe staying wasn’t going to be the best for his heart.

-

Two weeks into summer break, and Richard was ready to burst. It wasn’t just the pressure in his chest anymore. He looked forward for when Dex got back from his part-time summer job, sent his phone goofy excited grins when he got a text, day-dreamed about bringing Dex home, just to see the look on his parents faces.

His crush was getting out of hand.

Dex was talking to Kai on the phone in the kitchen, so Richard was sitting in their room, debating his next move.

Did he send the text and change everything, or did he erase it and continue to stew in his own awkward feelings? Sure, Steph had said that he should go ahead and tell him how he felt, but…

“Fuck it,” he said, hitting send and throwing his phone across the room onto the bed.

[to: Dex! <3 <3 <3  
so I totally understand if this is awkward or weird and if u don’t wanna talk about it or want to leave but remember back when everyone thought we were dating? And u asked if I was gay and I said I didn’t know? I still don’t know but what I do know is that I do have a huge crush on you and if you wanted to I wouldn’t mind maybe trying dating? Sorry to bug u with this im just going to be in the room reading so yea]

Fifteen minutes later, Dex burst into the room.

“I was literally right there,” he said, waving his phone around. Richard turned red. “And if Kai asks, you were having a heart attack or something so that’s why I finally hung up on her.”

“Sorry—” he started to apologize, but Dex only shook his head and collapsed back onto the bed.

“Don’t be. I had… actually been wondering how to bring that whole thing up again myself. So, I’m game if you are.”

“I never dated anyone before,” Richard warned, even as a grin overtook his face. “So, uh, now what?”

“Pizza?”

* * *

The next day, before Simmons could even step foot out his door, Sarge had an arm around him and was dragging him out of the building.

“Uh, Sarge, where are we going?” he asked as he stumbled past a group looking at one of the restaurants that had just opened.

They had pizza, he’d have to bring Grif there…if either of them were still alive once the truth came out.

“Target practice,” Sarge grunted, leaving Simmons even more confused.

“But we’re booked in for the shooting range tomorrow, not today. President Kimball was very insistent that we follow the schedule.”

Apparently, it’s hard to shoot when Sarge, Tucker, Carolina, and Wash were busy one-upping each other.

“We’ve come to an agreement,” Sarge said, pushing open the doors to the range.

“What does that even mean?” Simmons asked, before turning to look at the targets and no, nope, he wasn’t doing this. “Where did you even get that many print-outs of Grif’s face?”

“Tucker.”

“Where did Tucker get that many pictures of Grif’s face?” Now Simmons was even more confused. 

Sarge pressed a handgun into Simmons’ hands. “That…is not the point here, son. It’s obvious that you’re in need of some stress relief to take your mind off that dirty, no-good dirt-bag!”

“Yeah!” a voice on the opposite side of the range said, and Simmons really needed a way out of the situation.

With Sarge holding a gun and at least one other person there who agreed that Grif was the literal worst, he wasn’t about to tell Sarge the truth of the matter. Turning away, like he was reaching for the ear protection, he pressed the emergency release in his elbow and—

“Oh, damn it.” he looked down, feigning annoyance as his arm clattered to the ground. “It’s been doing this lately, I wonder if Dr. Grey could take a look at it. Sorry Sarge, guess I’ll have to take a raincheck.” Simmons scooped up his prosthetic and darted out of the room before Sarge could insist on looking at it himself.

This was really starting to get out of control.

-

Because Sarge was, well, Sarge and would check, Simmons did go visit Dr. Grey. She frowned and tisked as she looked at his arm and the connections and the slight dent in the forearm, before passing it back to Simmons.

“So, why are you really here?”

He fumbled the clasp a few times before getting himself armed, before looking up at her. “Just to get you to look at my arm, that’s all, Dr. Grey.”

She smiled at him. “Sarge told me that he was taking you to the range today, so if there was an issue with your arm shouldn’t you have had him look at it?”

Simmons stared, wide-eyed.

“Does it have to do with the stack of paper with Grif’s face printed on it that Tucker picked up last night?” Grey asked, and Simmons sighed.

“No one believes me when I say I’m fine and really, I’d rather not shoot at pictures of Grif.”

Grey nodded. “That’s fair. Well, if you ever want to talk to someone my doors are open. I know it can be hard, heartbreak, so don’t do anything reckless.”

“I don’t plan on it, doctor.”

* * *

The beginning of their third year as business students and two years as boyfriends, Richard walked into a nearly empty auditorium.

“Jason…where is everyone? Didn’t Kevin say we had a test today?” he asked, almost reflexively looking for Dex, despite the fact that he’d managed to scrape by with a passing grade, and wasn’t forced to suffer through Stats any longer.

Jason looked over at him, and Richard froze, half-way into his seat. Jason was crying.

“Didn’t you hear, Rich? It’s gotten worse, the war. They’ve brought back the draft…some places it’s mandatory, others it’s a draw. You’re from a colony, right?”

Richard nodded, feeling sick.

“You’re probably safe then,” Jason said, “But Dex won’t be, I’m not, hell, probably ninety-percent of the school isn’t. That’s why everyone’s gone, they’re waiting to see if they’re being sent off, or if their family is.” He paused. “My older sister and younger brother were both drafted. I wasn’t, not yet anyways. Lucky me, huh?”

“Yeah. Lucky,” Richard echoed. “Hey, uh, if Kevin shows up I’m…”

Jason nodded. “Yeah, I get it. See you, Rich.”

Richard barely made it out of the building before his phone rang. “Dex?”

“I…the draft. Rich—”

“I’m on my way.”

-

It was only a week before Dex had to leave, and Richard refused to leave the apartment.

“Babe, you’re going to miss class. Again. Do you really want to fail Stats for a third time?” Dex asked, even as Richard rolled over into his lap. “I know you don’t like Kevin that much.”

“Wanna stay in, with you.” Richard mumbled. “Get my Dex time before—”

Dex leaned forwards, kissing him firmly on the lips. “Moron. I plan on coming back, you know that right? Someone’s gotta look after Kai, and at least this way I can send her my pay, not to mention I don’t want to give you up.”

“Marry me.”

“What?” Dex sat up and gave him a baffled look.

“Marry me,” Richard repeated, feeling punchy. “You’re worried about Kai and money and stuff, right? I can look out for her while you’re gone and also I love you? Sorry that’s… sorry.”

“It’s a better than smuggling me into Canada after faking my death,” Dex said with a grin. “Sure, let’s get married.”

* * *

It had only been five days since the letter arrived and Simmons was ready to scream.

Through sheer luck he’d managed to avoid Sarge dragging him to the shooting range again, but hadn’t managed to get out of sitting with Kimball as she and Kai asked for his advice on how to properly get back at Grif for hiding the fact that he’d been married. Dr. Grey didn’t seek him out, but Dr. Jacobi had hunted him down to make sure he was feeling okay. Sam had awkwardly told him that if he found someone, they were welcome to join them and Carolina and make their date a double one.

It was exhausting.

But not exhausting enough to keep him from waiting for Grif and the others to land.

Until everyone else showed up. From Kimball to Matthews, soon it seemed like there was going to be more people waiting than people returning from the mission.

Once the transport landed, Grif was one of the last people off. Simmons was grateful that everyone helped unload supplies and over a dozen boxes of papers before they jumped down his throat. He had hoped he’d be able to warn Grif about the oncoming onslaught, but everyone seemed determined to keep them away from each other.

“Captain Grif!” Once everything was accounted for and people started to file away, Bitters held up the damn envelope. “You have mail!”

Grif rubbed his face with his hands and groaned. “Okay, and? Why didn’t you give it to Kai?”

“Because it’s for you. Or your husband,” Kimball said, arm’s crossed as she leaned into Kai.

Simmons could see a range of emotions flash across Grif’s face before settling for tired and resigned. “Okay…and so…why didn’t you give it to my husband?” he asked, leaning against the transport ship. “It couldn’t have been that hard to figure…Oh, are you kidding me?”

“Are we kidding _you_?” Tucker said, taking half a step forward. “We aren’t the ones who hid that we were married and broke someone’s heart!”

Grif turned to Simmons. “You didn’t tell them? Help me out here.”

“Wait, you know who Grif is married to? Captain Simmons, why didn’t you tell us?” Kimball demanded.

“You dug this grave yourself,” Simmons replied, now not bothering to hide his grin and making the executive decision to ignore Kimball’s question. “and I don’t plan on joining you yet.”

Grif rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’s what you think. Here, give me that.” He snatched the envelope away from Bitters, ripping it open and dropping the envelope on the ground.

“’This letter is a notice of eligibility for Dexter Grif and Richard Simmons—” Grif started to read, before Kai tackled her brother to the ground.

“WHAT?!” Sarge shouted, and almost as one the group turned to Simmons.

Donut threw the clipboard with the ships manifest on it at him. “Hey! What was that for?”

“ _You’re_ the husband?! How come you didn’t say anything?”

“I tried! Every time I tried, someone interrupted me. Do you know how many attempts I made? Fifteen.” Simmons paused. “I did think you guys would figure it out from the get-go, though. I mean, you guys did know that Grif and I knew each other before we ended up in the Gulch…Right?”

Washington and Carolina shared a look. “Like…in training and boot camp?” Carolina asked, and Grif shook his head.

“We were in college together,” he said, voice muffled from Kai sitting on him. “Business degree drop-outs of Chorus, unite. Woo.”

“I don’t think getting a letter that said ‘ _surprise! You’re in the military now’_ and then having to leave and join the military counts as you dropping out. Me, on the other hand…”

* * *

As far as plans went, Richard, no, Simmons had to admit that this was a terrible one. With how many people were in the military, there was really no way to know that he was even going to run into Dex. And what if he’d enlisted incorrectly? What if Simmons was just getting further and further from his husband?

“Hurry it up, Simmons!”

What if he was having an acrophobic panic attack on a ledge overlooking a drop while his CO yelled at him?

Everyone else had already passed him, leaving him the single solider remaining on the exercise—

Through his panic Simmons could hear footsteps approaching.

“Thanks—thanks for waiting for me,” someone behind him said, and Simmons’ eyes widened. He knew that voice! Before he could say anything though, Hammer started to shout.

“We weren’t waiting for you, Grif! And hurry it up, Simmons.”

-

Standing side by side, Simmons and Dex- Grif, he’d have to remember to call him Grif for now- watched as Hammer went running towards the Blue base and then as something inside of it detonated.

Then Grif spun, grabbed him by the shoulders, and started to shake.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he hissed, and Simmons wanted to cry, fall down, and kiss him all at once.

“I was getting sick of failing Stats by myself, Steph and Johnathan got drafted not long after you did, and honestly you’re ninety-percent of my impulse control and I’d already cut all the sleeves off of my shirts,” he replied, before grunting as Grif pulled him into a hug.

“I missed you too, you ass.”

* * *

It felt a bit like being on trial, Simmons realized as he and Grif were pushed into a conference room and told to take a seat. Kimball paced in front of them, walking the length of the room three times before slamming her hands on the table.

“Why? Why didn’t you tell any of us?”

Grif looked at Simmons, and he looked back. “You didn’t ask, and it’s really not any of your business.”

“Excuse- _fucking_ -me?! None of our business? Dexter, this is one hundo-percent my business! I’m your sister!” Kai snapped, taking a step forwards before Carolina grabbed her. “Carolina let me down I swear to god—”

Kimball sighed. “Carolina, please put my girlfriend down. I trust Kai to not do anything _rash_ , right Kai?” She grunted, shooting a glare that Simmons honestly deserved in his direction as she returned to her spot next to Tucker. “Okay, now, did any of you know about this?”

The group bunched up against the wall all shook their head, before Lopez started talking and Sam put up their hand.

“Lopez said he didn’t know they were married just that they were…sleeping together.” They shot Lopez a look. “No, I am not going to give them a direct translation, that’s the President there.”

“I can handle the profanity, Sam,” Kimball said, sighing. “But, okay. Say that your reasoning for not telling us wasn’t ‘we didn’t ask’. Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Well, Grif and I decided to keep things quiet so they didn’t separate us, then when we got to the Gulch I thought it was best to keep it on the downlow for a little longer.” Simmons shrugged. “I did nearly tell Sarge when Grif basically died, but obviously I didn’t.”

“Then we weren’t going to tell anyone at Rat’s Nest,” Grif said, making a face. “And then with all the shit happening with Church and Freelancer, when did we have a chance?”

“At literally any time!” Tucker exclaimed.

“Right. “Hi Tucker, me, Sarge, and Caboose are here to help you in the desert and did you know that I’ve been married to Simmons for years? Anyways let’s get back to _being shot at_.” Sure, that would have gone over great.”

“Okay, maybe not any time but come on!”

“Wait—” Kimball held up a hand, stopping Tucker in his tracks. “Maybe…okay but maybe that was a good idea, at least during the war,” she shot them a worried look. “Can you imagine the fuel that would have give Felix and Locus? Separating Wash, Donut, Sarge, and Lopez from the rest of you was one thing, but if they knew that Grif and Simmons were married?”

“It would have been like painting a target on their backs,” Sam said.

“Right, okay so basically, Grif and Simmons have been married and having sex since before Blood Gulch? Just, you know, checking to be sure that I have this right,” Tucker said, scowling as Donut elbowed him in the ribs.

“Uh,” Simmons looked a Grif. Grif shrugged. “Married yes, sex…eh.”

“Okay this is getting out of hand,” Wash said, sighing. “So, you’ve been married since before all of this? How long?”

“Seven…no, eight years? We got married a week before you left, then I tried to stick it out for around a year, then there was the year in training…so yeah. Eight years.” Simmons said, relieved as probably most of the room was to have moved away from his and Grif’s sex life, or lack there of.

“Which means you fuckers own us so many gifts,” Grif added, nudging Simmons in the side. “What’s the anniversary gift for eight years?”

“Bronze, then pottery for nine and tin or aluminum for ten years,” Grey said, and yeah, no, Simmons didn’t like the look on her face, but what was he going to do about it?

-

“Apartment, sweet apartment,” Grif said, sighing as he collapsed onto the couch. “Next time you can be the one who gets to go digging for birth records, babe.”

Simmons flopped down next to him, reaching out and lacing his fingers with Grif’s. “I’d take that over watching Wash and Sarge shoot targets with your face on them and listening to Donut and Tucker discuss throttling you for breaking my heart any day of the weird, 8-day Chorus week.”

“Next time we have to tell everyone that we’re secretly married, I’ll take the pity party and you can sleep in the back of a jeep with four other people.”

Simmons laughed.

“I love you, Dex.”

“Love you, Rich.”

**Author's Note:**

> Another way this fic could have gone (though it'd be much much shorter):
> 
> Bitters walked in and held up a thick envelope. Everyone stopped talking, looking to him, curious about the paper in his hand.
> 
> “I’ve got mail for captain Grif,” he said instead of hello, and Simmons stepped forwards.
> 
> “I'll take it," he said before even Kai could say anything.
> 
> “Sorry, but this is for-" he cleared his throat and began to read. “Dexter Grif and Husband. Private Information Enclosed. Deliver to addressee only.”
> 
> Simmons looked at Bitters. "Okay. I'll still take it- I am one of the addresses, after all."
> 
> And then everyone lost their shit.
> 
> * * *
> 
> * I didn't beta this or have it beta'd at all I'm an apology  
> * Andersmith ... probably wasn't going to hit on Simmons but it's up to you (imo he was going to ask how Sims was)  
> * The letter was about life insurance or some bs
> 
> * * *
> 
> [Personal Tumblr](http://happyleech.tumblr.com/) / [TextsFromLastNight Red vs Blue Tumblr](https://textsfromchorus.tumblr.com/)


End file.
